Adrift

Title: Adrift
Author: shansgrl
Fandom: Stargate Atlantis
Characters: Sam Carter
Warning: PG (for a couple of swear words)
Spoilers: Season 4 casting, Quarantine
Summary: Sam reflects on her decision on coming to Atlantis
Author notes: Written for LJ comm picfor1000, inspiration picture included at the end of the story. Thanks to dragonsdream for keeping me in the right tense and my grammar correct. Also for encouraging me to keep this and scrap the whole thing! :)


She leans against the railing on the balcony looking out over the water of this new world that was now their home.

The same new world that almost wiped out the city just by a simple ionosphere disturbance. She shakes her head and a wry smile creeps onto her face. ‘Just another day at the office,” she thinks.

Her staff, team, people, hell, she still didn’t know what to call them, did extremely well today. Again. She wasn’t surprised, but if she was going to be honest with herself, she’s a bit intimidated by them. This was a group of people who had survived on their own with no support from Earth or the SGC for some time. SG-1 always had the SGC or even the Asgard to cover their six, but these people, these amazing people only had each other and thrived.

Sam knew that there was still some resentment, some trepidation, from these courageous people with her becoming the leader of the expedition. She was used to that, she had faced that her entire career in the Air Force. She remembered the first time she met Jack, but she had proven herself to him very quickly. She’s not sure that she’s doing as well here though. Elizabeth Weir left some pretty big shoes to fill.

Having McKay here helped. She never thought that she would be glad to have him around, unless there was a crisis was involved, but none the less, she is. She was worried that he would completely freak out when she got here, that he would be afraid that she was going to undermine his stature as resident genius, but other than that first day when he blurted out that he was seeing someone he’d been just fine. ‘He’s changed.’, she thinks, ‘or maybe it’s because he finally has people that he cares about more than himself.’ She had not forgiven him for what happened with Teal’c, until recently, when she realized that he had no idea what it meant to have a team, a family that depended on you, and you on them. It pleases her that he does now, because even though she had been so angry with him, she always had a soft spot for him. She watches how he interacts with the people of Atlantis. He may berate his “minions”, but she knows that deep down, he’s proud to have them on his staff. He continuously surprises her with how he is with his team. The twelve year old banter he has with Sheppard, the respect he has for Ronon, and the odd gentleness he displays with Teyla. Most surprising is the lengths to which he will go to protect anyone of them. She smiles at this. It reminds her of Daniel when she first met him in a way. Both men have courage and strength they didn’t know they had.

Sheppard was comfortable with her here. He didn’t want the job and he understood that it wasn’t Sam’s fault that Elizabeth was gone, and that somebody had to replace her. He had become a valuable asset and she hoped a friend. The man holds his emotions close to the vest, much like a certain general she knows, but she’s pretty sure that if she was screwing something up, he’d let her know pretty quick.

Sam sighs and looks down at the coffee mug in her hands. Was she right in coming here? She asks herself for what had to have been the thousandth time since she’s arrived. She always known what paths to take in her life; she never faltered and very rarely failed. But for the first time in her life, she is unsure that she’s made the right decision. She misses being out in the field, misses being the one to solve whatever catastrophe that happened, and feels the burden of being responsible for all of these people acutely. Again, she’s reminded of Jack, when he stepped down as leader of SG-1 to run the SGC and then onto Washington, knowing that what she’s feeling now, he felt then. But the difference was that he had Daniel, Teal’c and herself to help with the transition, to help him shoulder that burden. But she was on her own here, and feels lost at sea so to speak.

Since she’s being honest with herself, she misses being part of a team, misses her team. Misses the conversations she has with Daniel, the companionable silence she has with Teal’c, the camaraderie with Cameron, the shopping with Vala, and God help her, there’s not a damn thing she doesn’t miss about Jack. Misses that almost telepathic connection she has with them, that knowing what the others were thinking or feeling in the field or at home. On Earth, at the end of the day, or mission, she could go home, or go out with her team and let it all go at least for a while. Let the responsibility of command be on someone else’s shoulders. Here, she is in command, no matter how many brilliant people she has here giving their advice and support; it all rests on her shoulders. Sometimes it’s almost too much, too overwhelming, that she doesn’t know what to do. It’s a feeling that she has no idea how to cope with, a problem that for once she may not be able to fix.

She looks back out to the endless ocean, thinking that she feels so lost, so adrift, wishing that someone would throw her a lifeline to somehow bring her back to solid ground.

“Colonel Carter?” Her radio crackles in her ear bringing her out of her morose thoughts.

“Yes?”

“We have an incoming transmission coming from Earth, it’s marked urgent.”

“I’ll be right there.”

Sam pushes off the railing and turns to walk inside. She pauses to square her shoulders, both mentally and physically. With one last look out to sea, she walks into the control room to take care of her people.



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